i used to be creative. i really did, i swear! I used to be into clothes, and accessories..not to the max but i enjoyed shopping and putting cute outfits together. i used to love art. i used to LOVE photography, i still LOVE photography, but i have no time! it makes me so sad sometimes. motherhood and being a wife provides so much fulfilment in so many ways. but that fulfilment is not fulfilling me as a person right now. having a bigger house is awesome, the space is fantastic, but the upkeep is insane! i'm constantly cleaning something, or picking up toys, feeding the baby or the older two..you know all the normal stuff, it is absolutely non stop from wake up till the kids are in bed, and that is fine i love every minute..well maybe 90% of the time... but i need to carve out some ME time. this is not me being sad because i'm a stay at home mom, i wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING, i love what i do, love my kiddies, love that i'm the one to eat lunch with them every day and be the one who is there for them when they are hurt, or need to tell someone something, or want to play hide and seek with...20 times a day. but i feel something tugging at me to being back my creative side. i have this blank canvas of a house to decorate and furnish, and a few years ago i would have been so excited but now all i see is...how am i ever going to be able to cruise thrift stores and estate sales for amazing finds with the baby and the kids and and and...its very overwhelming. plus to do that i need money...maybe i should go back to waitressing at night, i love it, and i can make some extra money to do some stuff for me. im at the awkward stage of post pregnancy where your maternity clothes are slipping off but your normal jeans still are not suitable to wear in public! so freaking yoga pants and white T's for now. I got instagram on our ipad 1 the other day (no camera so i can just browse) but i love the idea of it, it's an easy creative outlet, and i want an iphone (or any smart phone) basically just for instagram! is that weird? i feel like it would be so fun. I remember after I had curren i would see other mom's at target..and think WOW i better not ever stoop to that level of walking around in public with no make up, sweats and sandals...weeeeell i've stooped, sometimes giving 100% of yourself to your house/kids/husband will just suck the LIFE AND YOUR WILL TO LIVE right out of you, haha. I think "oh i'll just run in real quick and not see anyone" freaking high school reunion EVERY time! I need to get it together and turn up the burner on that spark inside me before it burns out for good.
i'm like, obsessing over my carpets, wth has happened to me? i used to be the one always having people over and organizing stuff to do at my house...and now i'm like so worried about my damn carpets i am considering not even having Finley's birthday party at our house (which i wanted to do a costume/dress up party) i gotta get it together, seriously...i gotta stop vacuuming. who am i? what the hell?
i think this has to do with coachella posts, i used to be so into music!!! shows every weekend, downloading amazing stuff to inspire me...i can't even tell you where my ipod is right now. all the damn coachella posts..each time i saw one i thought "i hope i'm still young enough to go to coachella by the time i actually can go!" it looks pretty amazing.
feels good to write this out, so at least i'm admitting to myself that it's gone TOO FAR! aaaaany ways lets all say a prayer i get an iphone. all i need is an iphone and to get skinny and all my issues will be gone!
I can enjoy my kids/husband/house and keep myself alive, i can i can i can.
peace.
i need to blog about Vans birth still! i'll do that now.
Sarah - I am right there with you. I work about 10 hours a week, and though we need more money, I want to be home with the kids, and driving them all over. (lucky i love my car since i LIVE in it). But going to work, I get to feel like a woman, not only a mommy or wife. For now - you stay home and love those babies. as you know, they stay little for SO short. SO SO short. Embrace the crazy mess (oh and I have the same OCD about the floors-I mopped at midnight Friday night) HUGS< Staci =)
ReplyDeleteHi Sara, I hope things are looking up for you nOw. Don't forget how beautiful it is to have purpose in this life. You have 4 beautiful Humans to live for each day. Your 3 kids and your husband. I know that it can all become a little overwhelming at times. God is truly who has helped me the most. Once I accepted Him as my savior and now that our family truly dedicated our time each week to go to church and studies and focus in God.. Life has only been moving forward. And I'm happy to say I don't have these down times anymore as I did when my first son was an infant. If there is a church around, I suggest to try it out. Nothing can bring you closer to yourself and your family then God. Hugs and prayers.
ReplyDelete